Is life supposed to be like this?

Is life supposed to be this hard and hurtful? The past few days have been a hard one for me. Today I found some old notes that Diane and I wrote for one another while were were dating. While I read some of them I can feel my heard break into many more pieces and just fall apart, my eyes filled with tears of sadness and hurt. The tears started rolling down my cheeks and at that point I could not stop. I know that things happen for a reason and that I will become a stronger person because of it but I cant take this pain any longer. Im so hurt and depressed no one really knows it. I put up a good front to it all when around others and no one really knows how bad I am hurting. When I am alone I cry every day. Today was the first time since she left that any one has seen me cry, my sister Courtney and she told me "don't cry, shes stupid". All though she may be true, it still hurts. She was and still is the love of my life, the person I was with for six wonderful years of my life, the person that I enjoyed going to bed with every night, laying next to all night, seeing the first thing when I woke up, the person I enjoyed doing every thing with. It was all taken from me in the blink of an eye, gone forever. There was no working on it as she didnt want to, she was done and wants nothing to do with me. I have thought and been very close to taking my own life several times to take the pain away. The thought of what my family would have to go through for me making that decision after what we went through with our mother was not an option. What would my kids turn out like knowing that their father did not stay around for them, would they hate me? They need their father as I need mine and as I need my mother whom I can not turn to at this time of need. My heart is beat up, damaged, broken, full of heat, sorrow, and pain. Can it ever be fixed and will it ever be fixed? I dont know but I do hope so. I want to be happy again, I want to have a family again, I want to be blessed with that special some one who wont leave me when things get tough but will stand by my side through thick and thin. This is what I want and what I need.

Hell

I lost my job back in 2008 close to May, my wife at that time was using equity from our home and credit cards to pay the bills with out me knowing. Before I lost my job it was starting to catch up to us and we had to walk away from your home and live with her parents. At that time I have decided to start a long life dream and goal of mine, start up my own business. So I did, doing landscaping and I love it. We moved into her parents house and her dad was not too happy, at least I dont think he was. I wasnt either, having to rely on some one else to raise your family is not a good feeling. My wife and any one else did not support me in the decision to start the business and I became very depressed and the only one who could see that was my mom and I did not admit it either. I did not like living with my in-laws so I got a full time job working nights so I can still do the landscaping and save up money to get our own place again. Then the unthinkable happened, my mom passed away in September and it was really hard. While my family is dealing with this I had no idea that my wife had thoughts and plans of her own. Just before Valentines day she told me she was no longer in love with me and needed to leave me because if she didnt she would end up cheating on me. She became close to an old friend of hers down the street and was always down at his house hanging out with him and talking to him. Her sisters asked her several times what I thought about it and she told them both that I did not like it. She did not care, it was what she was going to do. Was it an easy way out? Maybe. The night before Valentines day she went over to his house at 10:30 at night and did not get home until the next morning at 5:30 am and they both claimed that nothing had happened. Later that week I saw her journal and it revealed everything that did happen that night, they slept together and they both still denied it and do to this day. It has been five months since she moved out and it has been the most difficult five months of my life. Am I still in love with her? Of course I am, I was with her for six years and for some one to do those things to you are very heart breaking. I have tried to move on and I hate being alone. I have had a couple really bad days to were I was going to commit suicide, the first time I was going to I had the pills in my hand and ready to take them when a friend called and asked what I was doing and what was going on. I told him and he said he is glad he called when he did, he had a feeling he needed to. It was going fine until today. I had an emotional break down and it is back on my mind. I am hurting, I asked her for a second chance and she said no, theres no way. That just shattered my heart into grains of sand. All I want is to be happy and I am not finding it and not able to move on until I find that person that can help me move on and make me happy once again. Suicide has been on my mind all day. I look at my kids, I love them so much more than anything and I start crying, I think about how my family would take it with my mom passing almost a year ago, but then I look at myself. I can not live this way anymore, I just can not do it. With every thing that is going on, my not working, not able to pay the bills, not going to be able to pay rent and will probably be homeless in two months, I am not able to take care of my kids the way they need to be taken care of which makes me feel that they will be better off without a looser like me. I dont know how much longer I can hold off on doing what I want to do, I dont know what I am capable of doing. I love my family and I love my kids.